


Something Real

by scarredsilk



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2019-08-25 21:02:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16668235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarredsilk/pseuds/scarredsilk
Summary: Andrew Minyard spends most nights practicing Exy. He took up the sport years ago, but has failed to tell his family that he plays Exy at all. One night, Neil Josten stumbles upon Andrew practicing, and wants to make a deal.OR au in which everything is the same except Andrew isn't a fox and Neil has most of his shit situated already.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> yo yo yo okay this is my andrew-loves-exy fic that has been sitting in my word documents for several months now. I hope you enjoy and another chapter might be coming very soon!  
> (also i edited this at like midnight sooooo...)  
> xx Much Love

Andrew runs his hand along one of the old goalie racquets. It’s badly chipped, and the netting is flimsy and worn out from years of use. This particular racquet is only kept around because no one felt the need to throw it away, but it’s almost never used in real games anymore. He considers grabbing one of Renee’s racquets or one of the other goalie’s, but he doesn’t want to accidentally break them. He’d have no idea how to explain _that_. He does, however, imagine what it would be like to swing the new racquets, to feel the sturdiness and weight of them.

After stalling for a few more seconds, he finally picks up the older racquet and makes his way to the foxhole court. It takes a bit of finessing, considering Wymack locks the inner walls just as harshly as he does to the locker rooms. But Andrew always manages to surpass the lock system and break in without anyone noticing.

He drops his racquet by the goalie line, then makes his way back over to the cabinets that hold all the older racquets and Exy balls. He pulls out a bucket of Exy balls, along with a small machine that no one other than Renee and the other goalie, Korin, uses.

The machine fires Exy balls in fifty different patterns. Andrew has memorized every pattern by now. The first pattern being left, left, middle, left, right, right, right, middle, left, middle, right. He knows it’s useless to practice if he already knows which direction the ball is headed but asking someone to practice with him was out of the question. No one knew he practiced. Hell, no one knew he played Exy at all.

Andrew sets the machine in front of the goal, cranks up the difficulty and speed the highest it will go, and stands in front of the goal with the old racquet in both hands.

He waits, one second, two.

Then begins.

 

 ~

 

On the rare occasions that Nicky wakes up before Andrew, Andrew is startled awake by the sound of his voice. Maybe not so much the sound, but the volume.

Andrew can hear him laugh in the kitchen all the way from his bed. He glances around the room, trying to get his bearings and his heart to stop beating so fast. After a moment, Andrew slips out of bed, makes sure his armbands are secure, and pulls on a huge sweatshirt.

He beelines for the coffee, filling a mug halfway with coffee and the rest of the way with cream and sugar. He hears Kevin make a noise of disgust, so Andrew flips him off on the way to the couch.

Most days go like this:

In the morning, Kevin watches Exy on his tablet, Nicky talks through a tv show, Aaron pretends to listen, and Andrew reads. Then they all go to class and get back to the dorm midday. Then they all leave for practice. Well, everyone except for Andrew.

On days like today, Andrew considers tagging along. His head is a little noisy and he bets that smacking a few Exy balls across the court would clear it in a second. But doing so would reveal that Andrew does indeed play Exy. Not that he would particularly care if anyone knew.

What he does care about, the _only_ thing he cares about, is that it could potentially change everything. Exy was an outlet that Andrew discovered in juvie. He realized quickly that Exy could be the consistent variable in his life. He could put all his stress, blood, and sweat into it and it would still be waiting for him the next day. Telling Kevin would be like making Exy into a possibility, a ‘what if’. It would make Exy into something that Andrew could lose.

So, he chose not to tell Aaron and Nicky when they were both talking about joining the Foxes. He chose not to tell Kevin Day, the man that Andrew had to make promises to in order keep a few others. He chose not to tell Renee Walker, who he met shortly after his brother and cousin joined the team.

To Andrew, keeping Exy a secret was the one thing that kept himself afloat.

 

After practice, Andrew waited for Kevin, Aaron, and Nicky in his car. He had smoked through one cigarette and was just about to light another when he saw Dan and Matt exiting with Renee. Andrew knew most of the team by now. He did not care to speak to any of them besides Renee, and it was only luck that he spoke to her in the first place.

Renee caught sight of Andrew’s car and made her way over. Andrew was not in the mood to speak to anyone but rolled his window down further anyway.

“Hello Andrew.” He nodded in greeting. Renee seemed to realize it wasn’t a good time and gave a small nod like she understood. “Talk later? Maybe we can practice sparring later?”

Andrew noticed Aaron and Nicky approaching the car, so he turned the key in the ignition. Renee did not seem offended to get no response and walked away happily.

“What was that about?” Aaron asked as he shimmied into the back seat.

Nicky got in after him. “Probably just their daily flirting session. Seriously Andrew, when are you going to ask her out? Girl’s don’t wait around forever. Or at least that’s what I’m told, I don’t have much experience with them.”

“Obviously.” Aaron muttered.

Andrew considered reaching behind and pressing a knife to Nicky’s throat, but the thought passed as a new one surfaced. “Where’s Kevin?”

“Talking to Neil, said he’d be out in a minute.” Nicky then proceeded to show Aarons new texts from Erik and Andrew tuned out of the conversation.

 

 After a long practicing session, Andrew could barely lift his arms to put his racquet away. He slowly made his way around the court, picking up the Exy balls that he had deflected moments ago. After cleaning up and erasing the court of any signs he’d been there, Andrew showered longer than he normally did. The heat felt good on his aching muscles, and he got a bit lost in his own head. He thought of the future; of Aaron, Nicky, and Kevin moving on without him.

Aaron had his medical career, Nicky had Erik, and Kevin had Exy. Andrew tried to think of what he had but knew that everything he had already belonged to something—or someone—else. Andrew would be slowly moved to the background as everyone else moved on with their lives.

Maybe he’d finish his degree and get a job in the area. Andrew thought of the city apartment he’d have. It would be dark and small and probably too cold in the winters. Even under the hot water, Andrew shivered just thinking about it. He would spend his entire life like that. Alone.

Andrew shut the shower off, the steam beginning to clog his lungs. Or maybe that was the panic climbing up his throat that he rarely ever felt anymore.

After getting dressed and grabbing his things, Andrew almost made it out of the locker room before noticing a bag on one of the benches. His reaction was too slow, and someone was rounding the corner before Andrew could move.

 “Aaron?”  Neil Josten stood just a few feet away, dressed in his jersey and holding his racquet in one hand. His stance was tense, like he hadn’t expected anyone to be here this late. Well, that makes both of them.

Andrew had avoided Neil Josten for reasons he’d like to never acknowledge. Neil was something Andrew could not figure out. When they first met, Andrew spared him no more than two words. It was clear to see Neil was hiding something huge, like the way his eyes never matched his smiles or the fact that he looked like he could run out of the room at any second. The scars that littered his cheeks were hard to miss as well. But Andrew took Renee’s word for it, that he was harmless and that she would look after him. After that, Andrew put all thoughts of Neil out of his head.

 Looking at him now, Andrew is reminded why he was so quick to let Renee handle him. He considers pretending to be Aaron, but he’s already lifting one sleeve and rolling it down to reveal his black armband before he knows it.

Neil looks at it, and Andrew watches as the realization comes together across his sharp features. “Andrew? Why are _you_ here? Is Kevin with you?”

Andrew rolls his sleeve back down. “Believe it or not, I’m not chained to Kevin Day.”

“No, I know.” Neil shifts his weight. “I just figured there would be no other reason for you to be at the Foxhole Court.”

Andrew knows how much of an Exy junkie Neil is. He seems to be on the same wavelength as Kevin, so telling Neil the truth would be just as bad as telling Kevin. Andrew is not fond of lying, but stretching the truth is easy enough. “Exercising.” And with that, he gets the hell out of that room and counts the steps he puts between himself and Neil Josten.

 

A few weeks later, it happens again. However, this time, Andrew arrives at the Foxhole Court after Neil. Andrew watches as Neil does a few drills on the court. He does precision drills, then passing, then takes shots at the goal. Andrew can predict where the ball will land every time. Neil is a bit obvious with his footing, always taking a step towards where he will aim. It’s only a second between him stepping and taking the shot, but if Andrew was out there, he bet he could deflect it every time.

Andrew watches for another minute before leaving.

 

 “We’re not ready.” Kevin says over coffee one morning.

Andrew blows smoke out of the kitchen window. “Not my problem.”

“Yes, it is. You said we would beat Riko.”

“I said I would protect you from Riko. Don’t mistake my protection for validation.” Validation to win, that is. Andrew can tell Kevin’s looking for someone to tell him everything’s going to be okay. That Kevin will be victorious. But Andrew was never good at stuff like that.

Kevin leans back in his chair, a hollow looking sinking into his features. He puts one hand to the tattoo on his cheek. “You can’t protect me if the Foxes lose. You cannot have one without the other. Riko will try to take me away from them. He’ll—you can’t let me go back there.”

Andrew flicks his cigarette out this window. “If you want someone to coddle you, ask Nicky.”

“Andrew.” Kevin says, small and quiet.

Andrew looks at him and recognizes the terror in his eyes, the same terror that Andrew use to feel all those years ago and still lingers from time to time. Andrew can tell the memories and trauma Kevin usually suppresses are rising to the surface. He makes his way over to where Kevin is sitting and kneels in front of him. “Hey, you’re not going anywhere. The Foxes will improve, and you will beat Riko. Give it time.”

Kevin nods and drops his hand from his cheek.

 

When it’s time to drop Kevin, Aaron, and Nicky off at practice, Andrew tags along. It’s not unusual for Andrew to sit in the bleachers, but it does make him feel a little odd just watching.

“Andrew, nice to see you again.” Wymack acknowledges him, and Andrew figures it’s only because Wymack is a decent enough person. However, it did take a little work in the beginning. Wymack did not like having someone who wasn’t apart of the team at his practices. But arguing about it was pointless. Kevin needed Andrew and that fact alone made it final. Andrew just wasn’t sure how much longer Kevin would need him. Till graduation? Till the end of the season? Till the Foxes started winning?

 

Once everyone was asleep that night, Andrew grabbed his bag and drove to the court like he has done numerous times before. He sets up like he normally would, and begins to deflect the twenty third pattern on the machine: middle, left, left, middle, right, left, right, right, right, right, middle..

Tonight, Exy wasn’t doing it for him. After deflecting the final shot in the sequence, Andrew turned off the machine in frustration. He felt more empty than normal, even when he was out of breath and sweating.

He made his way to his bag to grab a water, and that’s when he noticed. He was not alone.

 Neil Josten was sitting high in the bleachers, a look on his face that Andrew was too far away to read. After what seemed like forever, Neil got up and left without saying a word.

 

Andrew was sure Neil would tell Kevin. But the next day, everything was normal. And the day after. Andrew was seriously thinking he might have hallucinated the whole thing until Neil approached him during a Fox practice.

Andrew noticed Allison and Dan staring at them from behind Neil’s head. “Hi.” Neil said as he played with the netting of his racquet.

“What is it?” Andrew asked, his face bored and already over this conversation before it began.

Neil glanced behind him, making sure the other foxes weren’t too close. “I have a proposition for you. It involves Exy.”

“Not interested.”

Neil shrugged, “Okay.”

Andrew gave him credit for not trying to push him any further. Nicky would have bothered him for weeks before finally giving up and sulking for yet another week. Just as Neil turned to leave, he stopped and seemed to have an internal debate. He faced Andrew again, and a shy smile appeared on his face. “You were amazing.”

Andrew willed his face not to react to _that_. All he managed was raising his eyebrows, asking a silent question that Neil caught onto quickly.

“The other day,” Neil elaborated, “you were amazing. I’ve never seen anyone defend a goal like that.” Neil only stood around for another moment before turning on his heel and running back to practice.

As Andrew watched him leave, he felt something unhinge in his chest. Something so minuscule that if Andrew wasn’t determined to crush every feeling that begged to be _felt_ , he would not have noticed it. But he did, and it was there, and it felt dangerous.

Andrew hated Neil for it.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this was late and i'm highkey very sorry for that BUT here we goooooo  
> also side note why am i obsessed with characters figuring things out in the shower???? idk maybe its cause that's all i do. ANYWAY leave a comment okay bye <3

Neil Josten focused a lot more on who he wasn’t than who he was.

Who he wasn’t was simple and comforting and easily countable.

  1. He was no longer Nathaniel. After his final encounter with his father, Neil had permanently changed his name and taken a deal with the FBI. 
  2. No longer being Nathaniel also meant no longer being the Butchers son. One could not exist without the other and Neil was more than happy to sever all associations. 
  3. He knew he wasn’t a runaway anymore. The deal with the FBI would only work if Neil didn’t disappear on them. And Neil had spoken to the Moriyama’s and agreed to give them more than half of his pay once he made Court. But with the help of the FBI, Neil didn’t owe the Moriyama’s a thing after that.



 

However, who he _was_ seemed to be a more complex matter.

Neil was a mystery even to himself. After running for so long and coming up with new identities, new accents, new lives, Neil did not want to admit that there was nothing beneath the surface. That the person he presented to the world was just a conjured-up mess of his pass lies. Neil Josten had a name and a face and that was it.

No, that wasn’t true. He had Exy and Matt and the Foxes that glued him back together time and time again. But besides that? The endless possibilities of interests and hobbies and goddamn _living_ scared the shit out of Neil. 

So yes, focusing on who he wasn’t was always easier than focusing on the infinity of who he could be.

 

And when the days started to blend, and the panic would rise like vomit in his throat, he’d repeat these words like a mantra _: I’m not Nathaniel, I’m not the Butchers son, I’m not lost._

 

Surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly, Kevin was usually the one to get under his skin. 

“Did you forget your brain before coming to the Court?” Kevin asked him one day during practice.

Neil’s day was going sour the moment he woke up that morning. Every brush of an arm felt like a razor to his skin and every word spoken ringed like sirens in his ears. After a few more ugly insults from Kevin, Neil tried breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth. _I’m not Nathaniel, I’m not the Butchers son, I’m not lost_ —It calmed him down for a moment, but then he got a good look at Kevin’s face Neil prayed to every God that the punch he would throw wouldn’t break the bones in his own hand.

Before Neil could make the move, Matt was by Neil’s side and put a careful hand on his shoulder. Neil shook him off and stomped his way out of the Foxhole Court.

 

Back at the dorms, Neil had cooled off enough to feel guilty. Frankly, Kevin deserved to be punch, but Neil felt bad for shrugging Matt off when he was just trying to keep the practice afloat.

Neil shuffled into the main room and sat beside Matt and Dan on the couch. “Hey guys.”

Dan lifted her head from Matt’s shoulder, a dopey smile on her face. She must have taken a nap after such a grueling practice. Neil didn’t blame her. “Hey Neil.”

“Uhm—Matt? I’m sorry for earlier. Kevin just—“

“Don’t worry about it, dude. We all have bad days.” Matt smiled at him so genuinely that Neil’s heart clenched. “And usually I would be the one taking a swing at Kevin. But the monster was watching today, and I didn’t want us dying prematurely.”

Neil slumped further into the couch. “You mean Andrew?” He had never interacted with the other Minyard twin other than a few nods in his direction. Mainly because Andrew didn’t play Exy and there was no real reason Neil would talk to him. But also because Neil got the feeling that Andrew would cut him off at his knees if he tried.

“Yeah, I don’t know why they let him hang around when he’s not a fox.” 

Neil considered that for a moment. He knew Andrew had two family members on the team and he was obviously close with Kevin and Renee. The answer was so obvious that before he could get it out, Dan spoke up for him. “Maybe he has nowhere else to go.”

The silence in the room stretched as the three of them pondered over the mystery of Andrew and his motives for sticking around as long as he did. After a few seconds, Matt broke the spell. “Let’s watch a movie before Seth gets back.”

 

The rest of practices for that week was ridiculous. The small chip in the fragility of the team turned into a splitting crack within a matter of days. And on Friday, the whole thing shattered.

Nicky and Aaron were fighting with Seth, who was also fighting with Allison. Neil and Kevin were spitting ugly insults in French, and Dan, Matt, and Renee were just trying to keep everyone moving.

By the end of practice, the tension in the air was suffocating.

 

Neil could feel the rage building and by the time he was in the shower all he could see was red. Under the water he scrubbed his skin raw and punched the wall a few times for good measure. _I’m not Nathaniel, I’m not the Butchers son, I’m not lost_. 

Once he changed into his regular clothes, the anger subsided, and the fear sunk in. At the state they were in, the Foxes probably won’t make it into the championships. Neil knew it was already too late to switch teams due to the contract that Kevin had him sign.

Could he make it into court with a poor record? Probably not. His deal with the Moriyama’s would fall through and Neil would spend the rest of his life in witness protection, sleeping with one eye open. 

When he got back to the locker room, his team was gone, and Kevin was waiting for him.

“Whatever you have to say, can you make it quick? I have somewhere to be.” He didn’t, but Kevin did not need to know that.

Kevin rolled his eyes, something he did a lot around Neil. “This team’s a mess and so are you.”

Neil’s hands tightened around his bag strap. “Do you get off on stating the obvious?”

Kevin took a step forward, determination settling across his features. If Neil was being honest, it was a little unnerving and he did everything in his power to not shy away from that look. “I believe we can turn it around. That’s why I signed with foxes and signed you.”

Neil scoffed at that. “Sure there wasn’t any other reason you’re forgetting?”

“Do you understand what I’m saying? I believe in you. And this team. Starting in a week or two, me and you are going to have nightly practice sessions.”

Neil shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Nightly practice with Kevin Day sounded like the worst thing in the world. But Neil couldn’t help himself. Kevin was everything Neil wasn’t, and if Neil had a chance to get better at Exy, maybe he could finally be worthy enough to play with Kevin side by side. “Fine. Why not start now?”

“Practice by yourself for now.” Kevin touched his left hand but didn’t seem to know he was doing it. “I’m not—I can’t go too hard too fast yet.”

Neil had assumed Kevin wasn’t playing to his fullest potential at practices. He’s broken, Neil thought. He shook his head like he could clear it. Not broken, Kevin was healing. And so was Neil, in more ways than one. 

“Okay, I’ll do it.”

 

 The very first night Neil came back to the court for extra practice, he was exhausted from the day. Even though the walk to the court was short, he should have really asked Matt for a ride. His legs were beginning to feel like jelly. Neil dragged himself through the parking lot, his bag in one hand and a water bottle in the other. If he was more awake, he would have noticed a familiar car parked outside, and might have avoided running into Andrew Minyard altogether.

All through that practice, Neil’s mind ran back to the interaction with the short blonde. The adrenaline of walking into the locker room and realizing he wasn’t alone was enough to pierce through the exhaustion, and now he couldn’t shut his brain off. _What was Andrew doing here so late? Was he really just exercising? Why do I even care?_

 He didn’t care. Neil was just curious. Curiosity is what brought him to the foxes in the first place. He was curious what Kevin had to offer, and curious of how many promises Wymack could keep. But most importantly, he was curious about the kind of life he could have with the foxes by his side.

As Neil smashed the ball down the court, he asked himself if the present was everything he could have asked for. If the foxes were worth it.

He thought of Matt’s smile and Dan’s unwavering loyalty. He thought of Allison’s candor and Renee’s kindness. He thought of Seth and Kevin and Aaron and Nicky and Wymack and Abby and all the people that had called him Neil and meant it.

Yes, it was worth it. They were worth it.

 

Neil figured he would never see Andrew at the court again. At least, not after practice hours.

But when he made it to the Court one night, Neil heard the unmistakable sound of an Exy ball ricocheting off the plexiglass all the way from the locker room. He wondered if Kevin was finally ready to practice with him. Without even changing out, Neil rushed to the bleachers to see Kevin in all his glory.

 What he saw was something from a dream. Or a nightmare, whichever way you looked at it.

Andrew was here, on the Court, and smashing Exy balls like they were nothing. Neil’s eyes were glued to the blonde and nothing could pull them away, even if the ghost of his father was sitting beside him. Andrew was effortless and beautiful with his swings. He hit each ball with grace and seemed to know where the ball was going before it even left the machine. Did he memorize the pattern? No, Neil thought, that was impossible unless Andrew had a perfect memory paired with years of Exy practice. But that idea was getting harder to rationalize as Neil watched.

After a while, Andrew’s fierceness turned into obvious frustration. Neil had no idea why, considering Andrew hadn’t missed a shot since Neil was here.

Andrew began to throw himself into each swing, contorting his body every which way. It was like he was fighting something. The machine? Exy? Himself?

Neil knew he overstayed his welcome as Andrew started to pack up. Only being caught in the act could break the trance that Andrew put him in. And as Andrew finally saw him in the bleachers, Neil hoped that he couldn’t see the surely ridiculous expression that was splattered across his face.

Neil was in awe of him. He had never seen something so amazing.

Neil decided that this was definitely a nightmare. Andrew had so much potential and it was dreadful to see him waste it like his.

 

As Neil walked to the dorms that night, he found himself smiling like an idiot. Andrew played Exy. Andrew played Exy and he was good, really good.

Andrew would be the key to the foxes, Neil could feel it in his bones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> xx Much Love


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whaaatttt???? i'm updating in a timely matter????? who would have thought??? but seriously guys i love you and your comments are so incredible ahhhh thank you <3  
> xx Much Love

Andrew felt robbed. Of what, he didn’t know.

Every day since Andrew turned down whatever deal Neil wanted to make, Neil was everywhere. He was there in the morning, sitting next to Kevin while they drank coffee. He was there during the Fox practice, his eyes finding Andrew’s whenever he made a goal. He was there after practice, when Andrew wanted to smash a couple Exy balls down the court.

He was everywhere and Andrew felt robbed. Of Exy? Of personal fucking space?

It all came down to Neil saying those idiotic words. Neil’s voice would echo in Andrew’s ears like a recorder left on repeat. _You were amazing_ , he’d hear in his nine-a.m. class. _You were amazing_ , he’d hear on the way to lunch. _You were amazing_ , he’d hear when he climbed into bed.

 

More than anything, Andrew was annoyed with himself. Neil was just some kid in the way and Andrew hated that he caught himself thinking about him.

To avoid Neil, he considered making the trip to the recreation center off campus. It had a decent Exy court, but the hours never matched Andrew’s schedule. He’d also have to drive the half hour to get there and he wasn’t stupid enough to drive after exhausting himself at the court.

Andrew was so frustrated with _feeling_ frustrated that he smoked through five cigarettes on the way to the court one evening. He knew his lungs would have a hard time keeping up while he played, but the cigarettes helped smoothed some edges that were poking his brain.

After he changed out and made it inside the court, he found Neil waiting for him in his gear.

“Hey.” He said, sounding relieved. “I didn’t think you would ever come back if I was here.”

Andrew didn’t bother with a response. He obviously wanted something, and Andrew did not care for small talk.

Neil fidgeted with his racquet like he was nervous. Was he nervous? “Did you want to practice together today? Makes sense if we’re both here.”

Andrew turned on his heel, fully intended to leave before Neil spoke up again. “You have it memorized, don’t you? The patterns on the machine.”

“So?” Andrew asked with his back still turned.

“So now you can finally play against something real and I can get some practice with shooting at the goal.”

Andrew considered it. The idea was tempting, and Andrew hadn’t played against another person for years. With that in mind, Andrew opened his mouth to agree.

 _You were amazing_. Andrew’s breath hitched, and for a moment he thought that Neil had said the words aloud. He was going crazy. Well, crazier than usual.

Andrew left the court without giving an answer.

 

He called Renee.

She answered on the second ring and they agreed to meet up at the usual place. Andrew was not going to practice in front of Neil and sparring with Renee was just as good of a release as Exy.

“Hello Andrew.” She greeted him with a warm smile, dropping her bag by the door.

Andrew nodded as he adjusted his armbands.

“How are you?”

Andrew shrugged. “Alright. And you?”

“I’m well. Thanks for asking.” Renee reached into her bag to retrieve a hair clip. She then used the clip to pull her freshly cut bangs back.

“You cut them again?”

Renee took off her cross necklace and tucked it neatly away before responding. “My bangs? Yes, I quite like them.”

“Seems a bit impractical.”

“Maybe, but I like them.” She shifted her weight, then added “so does Allison.”

“Ah, there’s the real answer.”

“Oh, hush. You ready?”

 

After sparring for a few hours, they both laid on the ground, out of breath and bruised. Andrew could feel it in his ribs and Renee was rolling her shoulder every few seconds. “You’re getting better. Maybe you’ll actually beat me one day.”

Andrew sat up with a hand to his ribs. “Yeah, maybe.” His eyes darted around the room for a pack of cigarettes.

Renee sat up as well, her hair a mess of pastel colors and sweat. “Is that what you’re looking for?” She pointed to a pack that had somehow ended up on the other side of the room. Andrew slumped back down, too tired to make the trip.

He looked at Renee then, his mind occupied with thoughts of how they met and how they started sparring like this. It was total chance, odds that were in his favor. Andrew had no intention of meeting any of the foxes until Kevin came along. Even then, he wouldn’t have spared a glance in her direction if not for the split-second recognition he saw in her eyes. He saw something in Renee that he saw in himself, and that was enough to throw her a line. Andrew could never form it into words, but he was thankful for her. She took care of the other foxes so that Andrew could focus on protecting Aaron, Nicky, and Kevin. He made a promise to her and intended to keep it. He also tried to promise to protect Renee herself, but that positioned seemed to already be filled by a six-foot bitchy blonde.

“The foxes.” Andrew prompted.

“Hm?”

“How are they doing?”

Renee sighed, her eyes fluttering shut. “I’d say they have a lot of work to do but I have hope. The season doesn’t officially start for a few more weeks, so I think we can scrape together before then.”

“And Neil?” It was out of his mouth before he knew it.

“He’s not dangerous, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Andrew gazed upward, the fluorescent lights blinding him and splattering his vision with dots. “How do you know?”

Renee opened her eyes and stood to grab her bag. “Sure, it’s obvious he’s hiding something. But Andrew, you should see the look on his face he gets sometimes. He looks at Exy like it’s his salvation.”

“Exy cannot save him.”

Renee shrugged. “No, but maybe the foxes can. Because I swear, he looks at Exy the same way he looks at Matt or Dan or any of the other foxes.”

“Your point?”

“My point is that the only one he is dangerous to is himself, but even he is trying to fix that by making a home with the foxes.”

That pissed Andrew off. He felt the heat rise in his hands and cheeks. Renee seemed to notice and said her goodbyes to give him some space. Andrew wanted to scream. He wanted to hit and scratch and dig into his own skin, his own brain, his own heart. Did Neil really think being with the foxes could save him? That something as easy as surrounding yourself with those idiots could fix him? Could piece together whatever broken pieces he had floating inside?

Andrew didn’t understand and that pissed him off more. He wished Renee didn’t leave so he could ask her. Ask her if it was really that easy. Ask her if there was a possibility for his own salvation. Did it even matter anymore? Andrew would be shut out of the foxes come graduation. Maybe even before then. Nobody would care if he was saved, not even Andrew himself.

 

 The next time he saw Neil at the court was on a Thursday night. His conversation with Renee was still fresh and it was a miracle that Andrew didn’t march onto the court and beat that boy bloody. No matter how angry he was though, he couldn’t deny that there was an element of curiosity. He was more intrigued by Neil than ever before and this time, he let himself get pulled in.

Andrew would probably get bored eventually so there was no harm in exploring whoever the hell Neil Josten was. At least that’s what he told himself.

Andrew walked onto the court in gear he borrowed from Aaron’s locker. Neil was so focused on popping a ball at an exact angle that he didn’t notice Andrew until he was a few feet away. “Andrew?”

“The one and only.” Andrew said dryly.

Neil glanced around, like he expected some one else to be with him. “You here to practice?”

“If your offer still stands. Yes or no?”

Neil nodded eagerly. “Yes.”

 

 Andrew felt strange as he stood in front of the goal. Exposed, even. It was such an overwhelming feeling that he almost walked away as Neil got ready to shoot. He didn’t account for how someone looking at him in the goal would make him feel. It was excruciating, but he pushed it aside.

The first few shots Neil took were easy to deflect. Andrew figured Neil was just testing the waters, but it did not take long for the momentum to speed up. Neil fired shot after shot and Andrew deflected it every time.

It was not hard to figure out where Neil was intending to shoot. Andrew watched Neil’s footing, his angle, and his swing to counter any move. He learned that in juvie. However, Andrew was still a bit rusty playing against another person, and he had to take a couple dives towards the end. When they were both covered in sweat and Andrew’s lungs felt like they were caving, they called it a night.

They walked to the locker rooms together to shower. Andrew noticed Neil changed his clothes in the stall rather than in the open and Andrew added it to the list of things that made Neil well—Neil.

They made their way outside, and the cold of the night chilled Andrew’s wet hair. He lit a cigarette and offered Neil one without thinking.

Neil took it but never brought it to his lips.

They stood in silence until their cigarettes burned out, and then Andrew offered him a ride home.

 

Once they got to the dorms and stood at their separate doors, Neil spoke up. “Thanks for today. You have so much—”

“You need to work on your footing.” Andrew blurted, stopping whatever useless compliment Neil was about to give. He did not need any more _You were amazing’s_ echoing in his head.

Neil raised his eyebrows. “Oh?”

“And your angles.”

Neil smiled then, like Andrew had paid _him_ a compliment. “Got it. Let’s work on that next time?”

 

Andrew had no idea what he was doing.

He willed himself to not return to the court again. But night after night, he found himself grabbing a bag and meeting up with Neil.

He told himself that it was harmless. Neil had not told anyone about Andrew playing Exy and he had not mentioned the deal since that one time. He liked a challenge and Neil was starting to make a few goals here and there. They even started to do drills together.

When the practices ended, they would always share a cigarette and ride home together. It became such a stable part in Andrew’s routine that it no longer felt like his world was grainy and rigid around Neil. Somehow, Neil became just another box to the list of things Andrew had to do that day, and all threatening thoughts of Neil had slowly inched their way out.

 

Andrew knew it could not stay that way forever. He knew the gleam in Neil’s eyes meant he had other intentions that he was keeping locked away for now. That gleam was the thing he hated most about Neil. He looked at Andrew like a teacher would look at a student or like a coach would look at their star athlete.

And one night when they were doing passing drills and Neil gave him advice on accuracy that Andrew would never have the chance to use, it hit Andrew like a ton of bricks.

Neil was training him.

Andrew stopped so abruptly he almost tipped over. The Exy ball that had been in his racquet fell out and rolled between them. Neil looked up from where he stood a couple feet away. “What’s wrong?”

Andrew had him on the ground and his hands wrapped around his throat before Neil could blink. “What the hell?!” Neil managed to get out.

Some distant part of Andrew’s brain thought that this was the first time he’s ever touched him. “What do you think you’re doing, hm?” Neil struggled beneath him, but Andrew had him pinned. “You think I don’t see what you’re doing?” Andrew loosened his grip so Neil could speak.

Neil coughed violently. “What a-are you talking about?”

“What, do you need everything spelled out for you? I know your training me. I just don’t know why.” Andrew wished he could squeeze the truth out of him.

“Fuck you, get off of me.”

“Wrong answer, try again.”

“Get off of me and I’ll tell you.” Neil spat out.

Andrew let him go, partially because old mechanisms were kicking in and Andrew was starting to detach from this situation. It was only a matter of time before Andrew’s hands would desensitize and the sides of his vision would start to blacken. Just because a foolish boy had tricked him, he was preparing to shut down. Andrew hated himself. And Neil.

“Jesus.” Neil muttered as he sat up.

Andrew grabbed a hold of his chin, forcing Neil to look at him. “Tell me why.” He could barely feel the skin beneath his fingertips.

“Because you have potential.”

That wasn’t enough. “Potential for what?”

Neil eyes locked with his. “Potential to play Exy professionally.”

Andrew, for the first time in months since he was sober, had the inkling to laugh. He didn’t, though. Didn’t crack a smile because it wasn’t actually funny. It was ridiculous and exactly what Andrew was expecting. He let go of Neil and stood up. “What makes you think I _want_ to play Exy professionally? Not everyone is in love with Exy like you.”

Neil looked up at him from the ground. “But you’re brilliant.”

“Flattery gets you no—”

“Your talent is far from anything I’ve ever seen. Why should that go to waste?” Neil stood then, a new look on his face that Andrew had to turn away from. “Join the foxes. Play Exy with us and show everyone what you're made of.”

“Nice try, junkie, but your one-track mind is probably why you can’t see it. I don’t care.” Andrew gestured to the court. “I don’t care about the foxes or showing off.”

“Okay. Then why _do_ you play? And why is it a secret?”

Andrew pretended to look at a watch on his wrist. “Oops, times up on personal questions.”

“Times up?” Neil questioned, perplexed. “We just got started.”

“And now it’s over. Have a nice life.”


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU GUYS this was such a tricky chapter to write. i have been editing and editing and editing and every time i thought it was done i was like nOPE gotta chaNGE this ONE thing.  
> xx Much Love
> 
> *TW for this chapter*: ptsd/panic attacks, knives/blood/graphic violence  
> don't worry, it's all stuff from the past. our bbys are safe..for now.

In hindsight, Neil thought he could have probably handled that better.

He was just so swept up in Andrew and Exy that he lost sight of his goal. At first, Neil was fully set on telling Andrew his intentions. But as time went on, Andrew picked up on everything so quickly that Neil just wanted to keep teaching him, regardless if Andrew would join the foxes or not. Neil wanted to tell Andrew just that, but it was hard to get the words out with Andrews hands around his throat. Maybe it was for the best. Andrew had a reason for not telling anyone about Exy, and Neil wanted to respect that, even if he didn’t know the reason himself.

Still..it was hard to turn away from such talent. And Neil was convinced Andrew didn’t realize how special he truly was. No, he wouldn’t give up on Andrew that easily. Even if everybody else does.

Neil gave Andrew exactly twenty-four hours to cool off, but he couldn’t really wait much longer after that. The season was starting soon, and it would already be a hassle to sign Andrew this late. He made his way to Andrew’s room and knocked on the door tentatively.

Nicky swung it open, a smile immediately encompassing his face. “Neil! You’re just in time for movie night. Come in.”

Neil followed Nicky to the main room, where Aaron and Kevin were chilling on the couch. He didn’t see Andrew anywhere.

“Do you have a preference?” Nicky asked as he knelt in front of the DVD player. “I was thinking romantic comedy.”

Aaron groaned. “Again?”

“It’s either that or go with Kevin’s pick, and I’m not watching another Exy game tonight.” Neil heard Kevin huff and saw him slump further into the couch. “So, Neil, got any suggestions?”

“Actually, I was looking for Andrew.” All eyes snapped to him. Silence filled the room and Neil felt a bit impatient when no one answered him. “What?”

“What do _you_ want with Andrew?” Aaron questioned, his voice cold.

“I’m pretty sure that’s none of your business.”

Aaron fixed him with a dead stare that was so akin to Andrew’s that if they stood next to each other in that moment, Neil would not be able to tell them apart. Aaron wasn’t going to answer him, so Neil turned to Nicky. “Well?”

Nicky pointed to one of the bedroom doors. Neil muttered a small thanks but before he could take a step, the door swung open to reveal a disheveled Andrew. His blond hair was ruffled with sleep and he was wearing pajama bottoms that hung too low on his waist. He yawned as he made his way into the main room.

Inexplicably, Neil blushed at the sight of him.

Andrew did not seem surprised to see Neil there, nor did he acknowledge him at all. Andrew began to make coffee without a glance in Neil’s direction.

Neil followed him to the small kitchen. He watched as Andrew poured water and added grounds to the machine. He opened one cabinet and had to go on his tip toes to retrieve a mug, and Neil adverted his eyes from the small patch of skin that revealed as Andrew’s shirt rolled up. He risked a look behind him and discovered Aaron and Kevin were looking at them.

Neil couldn’t talk here, not with them watching. “Andrew.” He said, his voice quiet.

When Andrew finally turned around, he had two mugs in his hands instead of one. He handed one to Neil, then made a motion that said, ‘follow me’.

 

They ended up on the roof, the night air wrecking Neil’s body with chills. He was thankful for the mug in his hands and curled his fingers around the heat. Neil watched as Andrew sat on the cool concrete, his hands reaching for a pack of cigarettes.

“Do you make a habit of napping during the day?” Neil asked as he took a seat next to him.

“Do you make a habit of showing up where you’re not wanted?” Andrew shot back.

Neil looked down at the coffee in his hands. If Andrew really didn’t want him there, he wouldn’t have given him a mug. Neil was beginning to understand what Andrew said and did were two different things. No, that wasn’t it, Andrew was not purposely contradicting himself. He wholeheartedly believed in both of his actions, and he was always fighting which one was truer.

 Neil took a sip of his coffee, his face scrunching up from the sweetness. “I wanted to talk.”

“You’re already talking.”

“About what happened. I didn’t mean to mislead you. I’ll admit, my intentions at the start were for you to join the foxes. In a way, that’s still how I feel. But there’s a stronger part of me that just wants to teach you and learn from you. If you never end up joining the foxes, that’s okay with me.”

Andrew, for the first time that night, looked at Neil. His face was calm and distant as always. “Why do you want me to join the foxes?”

“Because you’re talented—” Neil started.

“And no lying.”

Neil shook his head. “I’m not lying. But if you won’t believe that, then believe this: the foxes aren’t enough to win. We need a wild card, something that will throw the opposing team off balance. Renee is a great goalkeeper and so is Korin, but every team already knows their stats and what moves they rely on to win. You’re new and something they won’t ever expect.”

Andrew took a drag from his cigarette, the smoke filling the air between them. “What do I get out of it?”

Neil did not think he would have to explain that. “Glory.” Andrew rolled his eyes. “Satisfaction. A team and a future that’s real.”

“Real.” Andrew echoed, the word sounding less appealing in Andrew’s mouth. He took a sip of his coffee then set in on the ground next to him. With the combination of the dark and Andrew’s pale skin glowing from the moonlight, he didn’t look real himself. “I’m not interested.”

Neil could tell he was losing and any minute now Andrew would end his conversation. Neil wracked his brain for anything of substance. Andrew would gain all those things from the foxes, and not only that, but he would gain a second family. Neil could not imagine living without Matt or Dan or any of the other foxes. Neil felt grounded around them, less like a runaway and more like someone who laid roots. He didn’t know when he began to feel grounded around Andrew, and he didn’t know why he wanted Andrew to feel just as grounded. But the feeling was there, and it tugged at Neil to say something to change his mind.

Neil knew Andrew did not care about any of that, so Neil pulled the card he was saving all night. “Kevin.”

“What about him?”

“You really think you can protect him if we lose?”

The question hung between them and it was awhile before Andrew spoke. “Depends.”

Neil had only small snippets of what the contract was between Andrew and Kevin. The details didn’t really matter, all that mattered was that Andrew never broke a promise. And Neil relied on that one fact alone. “On what?”

“If Kevin keeps his word.”

“What does that mean?” Neil questioned.

“Why do you care?”

“Curious. I want to know you.” Neil admitted, more to himself than to Andrew.

“A truth for a truth.” Andrew said, dropping his unfinished cigarette off the edge of the roof. He raised his hands with both index fingers pointing upward. “I’ll answer your question if you answer one of mine.”

Neil felt a small pang of panic but figured this was probably the only way. “Fine.”

“I can only protect Kevin to an extent. If the foxes win, then protecting Kevin and his Exy riddled brain will be easy. But if the foxes lose then Kevin’s fragile ego will crumple, and he’ll crawl back to Riko like the weakling he is. He promised it wouldn’t come to that, but I’m not stupid.” One finger went down, and Andrew wiggled the other. “My turn. How did you get those scars?”

Neil did not have time to consider what Andrew had said about Kevin. All he could think about was the scars that littered his face and how heavy they suddenly felt. The foxes knew not to ask about them and it had been awhile since Neil had to give an explanation. The small panic he felt earlier, bloomed into something violent and Neil regretted playing this game. He stared down the mug in his hands and tried to work through it. “My father and his men.” Neil explained, his voice barely above a whisper. “The last time I ran into them, they weren’t so welcoming.”

He hadn’t told anyone the truth about his scars since they were cut into his face and he didn’t care to dive into that memory. Yet the pain of that day was crashing into him and Neil was back in that car, a knife to his face and Lola beside him.

Neil wasn’t aware of how long he was gone until a cold hand clamped his neck. “Neil, breathe.”

Neil took a few deep breaths and like a switch, he was back on the roof with Andrew.

Neil was afraid to look at Andrew directly, so he watched him from under his eyelashes. He expected to see pity or worry or whatever emotion Nicky or Dan usually made. Instead, he saw understanding mixed with a darkness that leveled Neil more than it should have. “For a price, I can protect you.”

Neil blinked. “What?”

“From them.”

“They-they’re dead.” Andrew hadn’t removed his hand and Neil didn’t particularly mind. They watched each other, the space between them closer than before. Neil thought that for Andrew to offer something like that so casually was incomprehensible. If his father had been alive, he could kill Andrew in a matter of seconds. “I don’t want there to be contracts binding us. Just truth.”

 The darkness in Andrew’s eyes softened. After a pause, he gestured to his scars. “Can I touch, yes or no?”

“Yes.” Neil breathed.

Andrew’s hand shifted from his neck to cup his face. He trailed the longest scar with his thumb. Neil shuddered under his touch, his eyes fluttering close on their own accord.

Then Andrew pulled his hand away and leaned out of his space. “I hate you. Leave.”

Neil stood, trying to compose himself as best as he could. Just as he reached the door to the roof, Andrew spoke up again. “I’ll consider your offer, Junkie.”

 

 

Neil liked to imagine the bullets that ripped through his father’s chest also ripped through all his memories of him. That they shredded the thoughts into nothing more than shrapnel and blood. He imagined this, yet the memories never truly go away.

Sometimes, they’re dull. They are so faded and grey that when Wymack raises his voice, he doesn’t flinch like he used to. Or when Allison pulls him into a hug, he can enjoy it without his mother whispering _danger_ in his ear. Sometimes his memories are nothing more than that—a memory.

And sometimes, on the bad days, they are upfront and center. They are loud and all consuming. They pull at Neil and nip at his ankles telling him to _run_ , _run, run._

Often, it starts with a nightmare. Neil wakes up with scenes of his father slicing him in half. He wakes up with the image of Lola cutting out Matt’s eyes. He wakes up with no hands and no legs and no heart.

He wakes up and for a split second, cannot tell if it was a nightmare or a memory.

Usually after a few heavy breaths, he can tell the difference. Still, the pain of nightmares blends with the pain of memories and Neil has a hard time with carrying them both.

 

The same night he spoke with Andrew, his mind betrayed him. In his heart, Neil knows that he trusts Andrew. It’s a staggering thought, so his brain takes a while to warm up to the idea. He has a nightmare, which may be a memory playing on repeat, and wakes to his alarm in a cold sweat.

Neil takes a hot shower and the water soothes him a bit. He still feels little shaky when he finally makes it into the main room, but Matt’s face calms him instantly.

“Hey you. Aren’t you going to be late?” Matt asks as he shoves some folders into his backpack.

Neil shrugged. “Aren’t you?”

“Yes, but I couldn’t find my calculator and I think Ms. Predmore said something about a pop quiz.”

Neil walked over to Matt and lifted a textbook off his desk to unveil a calculator. Matt’s eyes widened. “How did you--?”

“I saw Seth steal it from your bag while he was studying last night.”

“Thank you, Neil!” Matt scooped him into a hug that Neil had no time to prepare for. “Okay, I’m off!”

Neil watched as the door closed behind him. He let out a few breaths and tried not to think about how his hug felt like two hands holding him down.

 

When he was late, Neil hated the sheer abundance of students at Palmetto State University. Usually, he was early enough to beat the crowd and could steal a seat in the back, then slip out early to his next class. Today, he was maneuvering through the hallway and shimming through small openings just so he could make it on time. The noise didn’t bother him though, so he listened to other students’ conversations on the way to class.

As his classroom came in sight, relief flooded him.

“Nathaniel!”

Neil froze, several people knocking into him and shooting him a dirty look for stopping in the middle of the hallway. His blood ran cold. Had he imagined it?

“Nathaniel!”

Something’s wrong. His father’s men should all be dead. Neil’s heart pounded in his ears along with a ringing that told him he was close to passing out. Neil forced himself to calm down and turn around. He saw a girl approaching him and Neil wanted to close his eyes and escape, except his nightmare from last night flashed in his eyelids.

“Nathaniel! Wait!”

Neil braced himself. He watched as they got closer and wished he hugged Matt back this morning. He wished he wasn’t stubborn and had accepted Renee’s invite of walking him to class. He wished Andrew was there to put a hand on his neck.

Neil watched as whoever it was, walk right past him. He turned around, and saw the girl kiss some guy who had been standing directly behind Neil. “I called your name like ten times, Nathaniel.”

“Sorry babe, I had my earphones in.”

 

Neil considered skipping the foxes practice that night. He felt like some skittish animal, ready to turn tail and leave at any sign of danger. However, skipping a practice would only hurt him in the long run. He couldn’t afford to miss with the season starting in only a matter of weeks.

As he changed out in the stall, he tried to settle down. _I’m not Nathaniel, I’m not the Butcher’s son, I’m not lost._

The first half of practice went well. He was surprised to see Andrew in the bleachers, and it momentarily paused the uneasiness churning in his stomach.

The second half of practice did _not_ go so well. Seth was getting on his nerves, along with Wymack’s yelling. He tried to focus on Andrew’s blank expression, except it was hard to see from a distance. He was distracted and slow and tried to take a shot at the goal, but Aaron was able to shove him into a wall with ease.

Neil fell on his face, the gear on his head pushing into his skin like a dashboard lighter. He could smell blood, could smell skin burning.

Distantly, he heard Kevin shout “how did you miss?!”

Neil didn’t know where he was. The events of the day finally caught up with him and he was back in Baltimore. _I’m not Nathaniel, I’m not the Butcher’s son, I’m not lost_ _, I’m not Nathaniel, I’m not the Butcher’s son, I’m not lost. I’m not Nathaniel, I’m not the Butcher’s son, I’m not lost._

He saw Renee approach him, but she transformed into Lola right before his eyes. “Nathaniel?”

Neil flinched away and held his head in his hands _, I’m not Nathaniel, I’m not the Butcher’s son, I’m not lost._

“Nathaniel? What’s wrong?”

_No, no, no. Don’t call me that!_

“Call you what?” _Sounds like Renee doesn’t look like Renee._

“Wymack! Get Bee!”

He hoped it wouldn’t hurt. He hoped it would be quick or he’d pass out from the pain. He hoped his father would show him mercy one goddamn time. Through the haze, Neil barely registered someone kneeling in front of him. He does, however, feel the cold hand on his neck. “Stop this.” A calm voice cuts through the air. He feels the hand leave his neck only to take off his helmet. “Neil, breathe.” Neil looks up, expecting to see his father, yet its only Andrew. Neil holds onto his blank expression like it’s a rope lifting him from a black hole. Neil breathes and breathes. Slowly, he comes back to himself.

When he’s ready, he looks around to see the foxes surrounding them. He sees Bee and Wymack with their arms stretched, preventing some of them from getting closer. Aaron is the only one looking at Andrew and not Neil.

“I’m fine.” Neil croaks out.

“Oh my fucking God—” Nicky starts, but Wymack shushes him.

He approaches Neil cautiously, and gestures for him to stand up. “Come on, kid.”

Neil looks at Andrew and they stand together. He does a small body check on himself, and notes that there are no gaping wounds, no burning flesh. He _is_ fine, other than his shaky legs.

Neil follows Wymack and Bee out of the foxhole court.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didnt forget about this fic!!!!  
> xx Much Love

Andrew watched as Neil left the court, the plexiglass doors echoing close behind him. For a while, all Andrew could hear was the distant humming of the fluorescent lights and the impatient tapping of Nicky’s foot. Andrew tried to slow his breathing to the rhythm of it.

The foxes were all looking at him now, yet Andrew would rather gouge out his own eyes than look at them. Preferably, he’d gouge _their_ eyes out first. He knew what he would see in their faces, in their expression. He would see worry and confusion and some type of assumption tied together with a pretty little bow.

“What the fuck?” Aaron blurted.

Andrew gave him a bored look. Unsurprisingly, Aaron was the safest to look at. While the foxes had genuine concern plastered across their features, Aaron looked annoyed from lack of information. _Always the knowledge seeker_ , Andrew thought.

“Explain yourself.”

“You’ll have to be more specific.” Andrew challenged, his arms crossing in front of his chest.

“I think he means what just happened with Neil?” Nicky provided. Aaron shot him a look that said ‘butt out’. Nicky bowed his head and took a step back. The other foxes did too, except for Kevin.

“Well, to me it looked like a panic attack. But what do I know? You’re the future doc.”

“Not that.” Aaron started, then switched to German without missing a beat. “I mean how did you even know what to do? And why are you suddenly hanging out with Neil?”

Andrew contemplated shoving Aaron into Nicky. He could see it now, Aaron wouldn’t be able to brace himself and Nicky wouldn’t catch him, and they would tumble into the foxes like dominos. He’d sneer and say something along the lines of ‘And why are you suddenly hanging out with Katelyn?’ Because Andrew knew. Of course he knew about the cheerleader and all the measures Aaron took to avoid that confrontation. Andrew knew and he wished he didn’t.

Instead of shoving Aaron, Andrew buried his anger like he buried everything else. Some place where it’s claws only hurt Andrew. “Let’s see, thirty-two panic attacks? Give or take.”

“What?”

“That’s how many panic attacks Kevin has had while at Palmetto. I knew what to do because I’ve done it before.” Andrew turned away then, intending to leave the court.

“And Neil?”

Andrew didn’t bother with a response.

 

Andrew marched into Wymack’s office to find Abby and Bee sitting on either side of Neil. The three of them sat on a wooden bench while Wymack stood in the corner, his hands in his pockets and his back leaning on a file cabinet. Andrew saw the inside of Wymack’s office on two separate occasions. Each time, it seemed to grow dirtier. Old coffee cups and mountains of paperwork cluttered any desk space. Andrew noticed a couple of the coffee cups had pink lip stains around the rim. So, the rumors were true then.

When Andrew walked in, Abby was taking Neil’s pulse, Bee was talking, and Wymack looked a bit awkward where he stood. All four of them stopped what they were doing to look at Andrew.

Wymack sighed. “Hey kid, you can’t barge in here right now.”

“It’s okay. He’s—it’s okay.” Neil said, his voice back to normal.

Wymack looked from Neil to Andrew and shrugged. “Alright, whatever you say.”

After a moment, Bee smiled warmly. “Neil? How about we pick this up tomorrow? I think right now the best thing you can do is rest.” After a nod from Neil, Bee left with Abby.

Wymack sighed again, long and heavy. “You tell me if it’s too much, you hear?”

“Yes Coach.”

“Don’t just ‘yes Coach’ me. What happened today does not happen again. You tell me when you need a break. I’d rather you miss a practice than collapse on my court, got it?”

“Yes Coach.”

Wymack waved him away. “Now get some rest. Doctor’s orders.”

 

Andrew and Neil left Wymack’s office together. They made their way to the locker room where Andrew waited for Neil to shower and change, then to the parking lot where Neil hopped into the passenger’s side of Andrews car. Andrew rolled the windows down so he could smoke, and Neil lifted his face to suck in fresh air from outside. For a while, Neil watched the sun set and Andrew watched the time go by on his phone.

When practice officially ended, the foxes burst through the door and scattered in the parking lot. “I don’t know how to say thank you.” Neil murmured as Kevin, Nicky, and Aaron approached his car.

Andrew threw his unfinished cigarette out the window. “Then don’t.”

Once they got back to the dorms, Neil paused upon going to his own room. Andrew was the last to enter his dorm, so he left the door open just in case. He told himself he wouldn’t care if Neil didn’t accept the silent offer, but as Andrew heard the door close behind him with Neil inside, Andrew felt something shift in his chest.

They ended up watching some crappy movie that Nicky picked out, and Neil was asleep by the time the credits rolled.

Aaron, Kevin, and Nicky dragged themselves to the bedroom while Andrew considered waking up Neil so he could sleep in an actual bed. Neil was curled up on the smaller couch, a blanket pulled up to his nose and an armrest for a pillow. His hair was still a bit damp from the shower and Andrew wondered what it would be like to run his fingers between the wet strands. It was easy to think such things when it was dark, the only light coming from the glow of the television.

Andrew thought about how he did not like waking up in an unfamiliar place and he imagined Neil wouldn’t either. Also, he wasn’t too sure if Neil should be left alone now.

Andrew didn’t care.

He gathered his phone from the crack in the couch and took one last look at Neil. His eyebrows were now scrunched together, and his breathing sounded choppier than before. Andrew sighed and slumped back onto the opposite couch. He pulled a thin blanket over his body, turned off the tv, and shut his eyes.

 _Just for tonight_.

 

Andrew woke up to the sound of Nicky’s laughter, an alarm he could rely on more than the one on his flip phone. Andrew sat up and stretched, his back popping in places that had grown stiff from the hard couch. Neil was still on the couch he fell asleep on last night. This time, Neil was wide awake and shaking his leg like he was uncomfortable. He glanced up from an Exy magazine that Kevin had left on the coffee table. “Finally.” He muttered before dropping the magazine to the floor and making a beeline to the bathroom.

Had he been waiting for Andrew to wake up so he could pee? The thought was too peculiar for Andrew to dive into without some coffee, so he padded his way into the kitchen.

Nicky sat on a counter top, holding a mug with one hand and pouring coffee with the other. His phone was lodged between his ear and his shoulder, and he had a fond expression on his face that was only reserved for one person. Andrew plucked the mug from Nicky’s hand and took a sip.

“Hey! You can’t—No, I’m not talking to you, Erik.” Nicky set down the coffee pot and hopped off the counter. “Could have got your own.” He whispered with the phone to his chest.

Andrew shrugged and made his way back to the couch. Neil had returned and was bending over to put on his shoes. “Running?” Andrew asked.

“What?” Neil stopped mid bend, his face turning white.

Andrew raised an eyebrow. “I asked if you’re going for a run.”

“Oh.” Neil forced an awkward laugh. He finished tying his shoelaces then stood straight to stretch out his legs “Yeah. You wanna join?”

Andrew just stared at him.

“I’ll take that as a no then?” Neil turned to leave, but Andrew got up to stop him.

“Fine but try not to slow me down.”

 

Andrew has little regrets. He doesn’t believe in them and makes a habit of standing by his decisions. Nonetheless, twenty minutes into this run, and Andrew regrets tagging along with Neil.

Neil was fast. He jogged at a decent pace yet managed to hold onto his stamina. Andrew was fit and could probably run circles around most, but his endurance had a limit. Halfway through the run, they stopped in a park so Andrew could catch his breath.

“You know, if you trained with the foxes, you’d be in better shape.”

“Fuck off.” Andrew muttered as he resisted the urge to clutch his sides.

Neil jogged in place and Andrew seriously wanted to hit him. “Have you thought about it? Joining, I mean.”

“I’ve been a little busy taking care of you.”

Neil rolled his eyes. “No one asked you to.”

“No, but if your crazy ass had to be shipped off somewhere, I rather not hear Kevin complain for months.”

“It won’t happen again. That was a slip.”

Andrew looked at him and knew that was a lie. “Let’s play another round of truth since you don’t seem to be fond of honesty today.” Andrew didn’t wait for his agreement. “Who’s Nathaniel?”

Neil stopped short, his ceaseless jogging finally coming to an end. “How do you know that name?”

“That’s not how the game works.” Andrew glanced around, making sure there wasn’t anybody too close to hear. All he saw was empty swings and a girl reading a book under a tree. “I ask, you answer. Then you ask, and I answer. Got it?”

“He’s nobody.” Neil said, his voice teetering on anger.

“Lie.” Andrew quipped.

Neil narrowed his eyes. “He’s dead, so why should it matter?”

“It matters because it’s all you blubbered about during your panic attack. Hm, what was it again?” Andrew began to mimic Neil’s voice. “‘I’m not Nathaniel, I’m not the Butcher’s son, I’m not lost.’”

Neil took a step back, and for a moment, Andrew thought he would run. “Did everyone hear?”

“No, you were quiet enough.” Andrew said, then added, “maybe Renee.”

Silence stretched between them. Andrew wasn’t going to be the first to break eye contact, so he held his ground. Eventually, Neil sighed and looked down. “It’s what I say to myself when I—well, when _that_ happens.”

It was barely an explanation. A half assed answer to the game Andrew was playing. Yet Andrew let him get away with it. “You’re an idiot.”

Neil snapped his head up. “Excuse me?”

“Have you ever considered reversing the words?”

Neil cocked his head to one side. “What do you mean?”

“Maybe those words don’t help because they’re reminding you of everything that freaks you out. Try reversing them into something like ‘I’m Neil, I’m a fox striker, I’m home’.”

Neil’s face transformed into something that made Andrews stomach swoop. “Don’t look at me like that. Anyone with a brain would have told you the same.”

Neil didn’t answer him, just took off to a slow jog that Andrew easily caught up with.

 

By the time they made it back to the dorms, Kevin was up and sitting at the table. Nicky and Aaron were hovering next to him, and Andrew got a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

“Where the hell have you been?” Kevin asked as Andrew made his way over. Neil stood next to him, a tension in his shoulders that hadn’t been there before.

“Out for a run.” Kevin wasn’t talking to Neil, but he answered anyway.

Aaron snorted, and Nicky chewed nervously on a fingernail. “And you didn’t think to bring your phones? Either of you?” Andrew could smell the alcohol on Kevin’s breath from where he stood.

“A bit early for getting wasted, don’t you think?” Neil apparently smelled it too.

Kevin laughed, an awful thing that could easily turn into a sob. Had Riko contacted him? Was that why he was falling apart? “I think under these circumstances, I’m allowed.”

“And what circumstances are those? I’m getting bored of guessing in my head.” Andrew said.

“Korin.” Nicky said. “She was in an accident.”

“Is she dead?” Neil asked, his tone surprisingly calm.

“No, but it wasn’t pretty. She broke her spine, along with an arm. She’s out for the season.”

Neil scooted out a chair from the table and took a seat. Andrew didn’t give two shits about the other goalkeeper on the team, but he knew what this meant for the foxes and why Kevin was so upset. Renee was the only other goalkeeper, and she couldn’t possibly protect the goal for a full game. The foxes chances of winning were too slim for Kevin’s taste. For a while, no one said anything as Kevin sipped on a clear liquid from a cup. Andrew could guess what it was.

“Can’t we just rotate people out? We have three strikers. Put Seth in the goal while you and Neil are on the field.”

Kevin laughed again. “Seth would never agree to that. And besides, he has no goalie experience. Might as well put no one in the goal.”

“I’ll do it.” Neil offered.

“Sure, and lose the fastest player on the team to stand still in a goal.” Kevin said.

Neil looked surprised by the underhanded compliment, and Andrew suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. “So what do we do?” Nicky asked.

“We find another goalie.”

“We can’t sign someone this late.” Aaron scoffed.

“They’ll have to make an exception. Our only other goalie is out for the season before it even started. They will let us sign someone as long as it’s before our first game.”

“Who? All the best goalies have been signed already.” Nicky said.

“You don’t think I know that?” Kevin asked, his voice venomous.

Andrew felt eyes bore into his head, but he refused to look at him. Refused to give Neil the satisfaction of considering it. What would Neil have him do? Say something like ‘hey guys, I play, sign me.’ Yeah, right. Andrew would rather die.

“Then we find someone less than perfect. We can still make it into the championships with an amateur in the goal.” Nicky said.

Kevin sighed, shot back the rest of his drink, then put his head on the table. “Not if we lose.”


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya! I finally got around to replying to all your lovely comments!! it took me so long bc I would legit see a comment and giggle until i died. but dont worry i am reborn and posting an update! <3 <3  
> xx Much Love

“Maybe those words don’t help because they’re reminding you of everything that freaks you out. Try reversing them into something like ‘I’m Neil, I’m a fox striker, I’m home’.”

Neil’s breath caught in his throat.

For so long, he had been focusing on all the things he _wasn’t_ and decided that all the things he _was_ could not be put into words. He thought that there was a glass wall between himself and the people around him. The people on the other side had simple problems and simple lives and simple everything. Neil so desperately wanted to be one of those people. Not so much the foxes, who had lives too complex to decipher. The people in his 9 a.m. class, who’s biggest problem was that boy who didn’t text them back or that girl who called them names. Someone that could lay out all they were in just a few terms.

It was bewildering that Andrew managed to shatter that wall in a matter of seconds. Neil desperately tried to mask whatever his face was doing, but Andrew saw past it. “Don’t look at me like that. Anyone with a brain would have told you the same.”

But that wasn’t true. Nobody knew Neil struggled with this, no one would have told Neil the same, except for Andrew. Neil had to turn away. Otherwise, he was going to do something stupid.

 

Finding out Korin broke her spin was like a sign from God. If Neil believed in that kind of stuff.

Neil wanted to shout in Kevin’s face to sign Andrew. That his drunken state was pointless because they had the best goalkeeper in the world standing right in front of them. Nonetheless, it would be a betrayal to Andrew if he were to tell Kevin, and Neil figured Andrew would be even more less inclined to play if Neil ratted him out. No, Neil would have to convince Andrew on his own.

 _How?_ Neil hopelessly thought.

Andrew was known for making promises, yet Neil had already told him he did not want something binding them other than truth. Besides, he didn’t think Andrew would want anything Neil had to offer. Trading a truth for Andrew’s secret were two completely different levels of weight.

Back at his own dorm, Neil spread the news to Matt and Seth. The three of them told the girls, then Wymack called a mandatory meeting. The foxes met at the court, and Wymack wasted no time at getting to the point. “I’m sure all of you have heard the news. Korin was in an accident and is out for the season. So, where does that leave us?”

Wymack talked through their options as the foxes brooded on their couches. Dan looked especially disheartened as she helped Wymack pass out paperwork on potential teammates. Apparently, it was all hands on deck in finding another goalie. Wymack finished his meeting with the visiting hours at the hospital, and Neil noticed Renee taking down the time along with Allison.

“Now, get out of here and get some rest. Neil, could you hang back?”

Neil watched as his family filtered out of the room. Kevin gave him a questioning look, but Neil shook it off. This must be about his panic attack. Neil was ready with an excuse about how tired he was that day and how it wouldn’t happen again and that he would promise to—

“You get that boy to play and I’ll give you free range of my court.” Wymack said as soon as the doors swung close.

Neil blinked. “Coach?”

“Don’t play dumb. I know Andrew has been sneaking in to play since day one, and I know you have been helping him. You both are not nearly as sly as you think you are.”

Neil ran a hand through his hair. He couldn’t tell if he was relieved or bothered that some one else knew Andrew’s secret. “Coach, if you knew, why haven’t you said anything to him?”

“You think it would go over smoothly if I approached Andrew Minyard with a contract?” Wymack shook his head. “No, I wanted him to have the choice to come to me when he was ready.”

Turns out Wymack had more self-control than Neil did. If Neil was a coach and saw someone playing as fiercely as Andrew did, he would be shoving a pen in their hand and a contract in their face. But Wymack had a very specific vision for the foxes and forcing someone to sign when they weren’t even sure if they wanted it did not fit that vision at all. It didn’t really fit Neil either, considering he hadn’t told Kevin and wasn’t planning to unless Andrew said so.

“What if he’s never ready?” Neil had to ask.

“I was hoping you could change that.”

 

The foxes made so many bets a week that Neil started to ignore most of them. They were downright juvenile and Neil didn’t want any part in it, especially if the bet involved Neil himself. Despite his hatred, Neil unwillingly got pulled into a bet that night. Seth bet that he was better at anyone else at bowling, Matt disputed, and somehow Neil got pulled along to the bowling alley along with Dan and Allison.

Very quickly Neil realized he was third wheeling—or fifth wheeling, but he didn’t mind. Anything to get his mind off Andrew.

“Dude, no gutters. What are we, eight years old?” Matt said.

“I’m nine, actually.” Seth quipped before grabbing a neon yellow bowling ball with a number seven on it.

Neil grabbed a dark blue one with speckles of red. It was heavy and Neil hugged it to his chest so it wouldn’t slip from his hands.

The five of them changed into bowling shoes and Neil reluctantly gave his own pair to the employee behind the counter. He wanted to tell him that those shoes were his only pair, aside from his Exy shoes, but the freckle faced teenager didn’t look like he would care very much.

The group tried to pick a lane isolated from other people, but alas it was a college town and there were a lot of drunk students galivanting about.

“I didn’t know bowling was so popular.” Dan commented.

“You kidding? You can drink _and_ bowl. That’ll attract just about anyone.” Allison said as she set her ball on the rack. “Speaking of which, I’ll order some beers.”

They bowled a few matches before Seth began to get pissed. Matt was winning and the true competitive athlete was coming out in everyone. Allison and Dan rage quit, and it was just Matt and Seth bowling game after game. Seth was determined to win once, even if it took all night. Or at least till the place closed.

“Do you think he’ll win a game?” Allison asked Dan and Neil as the three of them sat by the drinks. Neil swirled his water with his straw. He was happy to be done and back in his own shoes.

“When Matt lets him.” Dan said with a shrug.

“And when will that be? I had plans later tonight.”

Neil noticed Allison did look more breath taking than usual. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a high ponytail that curled along her back, and her sharp features were on full display. “Is that why you dressed up?” Neil questioned.

“Aw, you noticed! That’s sweet. You know, it wouldn’t kill you to dress up a little yourself.”

Neil looked down at his t shirt and jeans. “Why? I’m just with friends.”

“Yes, but what if you meet someone while you’re out? That gorgeous face can’t go to waste.”

“Meet someone?” Neil was confused. Why would he want to meet anyone new? He had everyone he needed right here.

Dan tried her best to stifle a laugh. “To meet someone you like.”

When Neil just kept staring, Allison huffed. “Jesus, Neil. Someone to date. You know, kiss and love and show off to your friends. Haven’t you ever wanted that?”

Once upon a time, Neil would have made it clear that he most definitely did _not_ swing and had no interest in dating at all. That whole realm was too dangerous to dive into and Neil felt pretty safe on the sidelines. Now, Neil’s immediate dangers had vanished, and he was free to start living without that noose around his neck. Still, he wasn’t sure if jumping into dating was what he wanted. The idea of being intimate with a stranger didn’t seem desirable whatsoever. “I don’t know, I’ve just never felt that way about anyone.”

“Not even me?” Allison asked with a wink.

Neil rolled his eyes. “I don’t even know what it’s supposed to feel like.”

“Like what feels like?”

Neil sighed. “Attraction? Love, maybe.”

“Well, with Matt I feel safe. I mean, I didn’t feel that way at first but—"

“Hmph, wonder why.” Allison scoffed.

“Shut up.” Dan shoved her playfully. “But after a while I just felt lighter around him. More myself. Like I didn’t have to hide any part of me cause I knew he’d accept it.”

Neil smiled at that. Dan and Matt were the happiest couple he knew. If Neil made bets, he would bet on them forever. 

“Fuck that. Neil, babe, it’s all about the looks. Have you seen Seth? Let’s just say I don’t stick around for his stellar personality.”

“You’re only with Seth because you find him attractive?” Neil asked, confused.

Allison sighed softly. “No. He helped me through some shit too. I guess the real answer would be I like him because I like the person he brings out in me.”

“You sure you’re not talking about someone else?” Dan asked innocently.

Now it was time for Allison to shove Dan, more harshly than Dan had.

Watching them squabble, Neil’s mind drifted to Andrew. Neil felt scarily safe around Andrew, and he was more himself around him than anyone else. Did he also find him attractive? Well, that was obvious. Andrew was undeniably good looking, and Neil figured that was more objective rather than subjective. Wait, why was he thinking of Andrew again?

Allison seemed to read his thoughts. “Anyway, I’m over the mushy stuff. What’s with you and the monster?”

“Allison! You promised you wouldn’t ask.”

“That was Nicky, I made no such promise.” Allison leaned forward in her seat, enough for Neil to smell her sweet perfume. “So? And don’t say nothing.”

Neil immediately felt uncomfortable. He wasn’t sure if Andrew wanted him to discuss their—whatever they had—in front of the other foxes. Yet Neil couldn’t help but ask himself what they were. Friends sounded like too strong of a word. They weren’t less than friends either. Not after Friday. Neil looked to Dan for help, but despite her earlier protest she seemed just as intrigued as Allison. _Damn her_. “He hates me.” Neil shrugged. “He has made that clear several times.”

“How romantic.” Dan muttered under her breath, but Neil didn’t quite catch it.

Allison smirked. “Interesting. And you hate him too?”

“No.” Neil said, a bit too quick. “He’s—important to me.”

“ _Very_ interesting.” Allison leaned back, and Neil figured whatever she was looking for she got. He just wished he knew what it was.

 

By the time Sunday rolled around, Neil still hadn’t come up with a solution to the Andrew problem. His thoughts were swimming with what to do and how to handle it and where to start and— _God_ , he had a headache.

Over breakfast, he learned that almost everyone was going to the hospital to visit Korin. Neil was never close to her, so he didn’t feel guilty about not going himself. He wasn’t too sure why everyone else did. Korin mostly kept to herself, and Neil suspected she liked it that way.

Andrew’s lot seemed to be going as well, which surprised Neil until he learned Kevin wanted to go. Wherever Kevin went, Andrew followed.

 

While Neil waited for everyone to get back, he went for a run, studied math, practiced Spanish, and before he knew it, Matt and Seth were walking in the door. “Let’s get lunch.”

They all settled on some sandwiches from a deli shop not too far from the dorms. As they ate, Matt and Seth got into an argument about some football team and Neil took that as his opportunity to dip out. He went to Andrew’s dorm, a bag in his hand with an extra sandwich he bought sitting inside. He wasn’t sure why he felt like he needed to buy Andrew lunch, but he just assumed Andrew hadn’t eaten yet and didn’t want him to be hungry while they talked.

Andrew was the one to open the door, and together they walked to the kitchen to sit. Neil handed him the bag, suddenly too embarrassed to explain. Andrew took it without question, unwrapped the sandwich, and began eating.

Nicky and Aaron walked by on their way out, and Nicky looked from the sandwich to Neil. He gave Neil a wink before Aaron dragged him out.

“Where’s Kevin?”

“In the bedroom.” Andrew said around a mouth full of bread.

“Is he pouting?”

Andrew shrugged as an answer.

“Are you pouting?”

Andrew looked at him. “I’m always pouting.” He said in the deadest voice Neil has ever heard.

Neil bit his lip to keep from smiling. “You make jokes.”

“Not very good ones.”

“I thought it was funny.” Neil said softly.

“Why are you here, junkie? Other than bringing me lunch.”

“You know why.”

After a few more bites, Andrew pushed the sandwich away. “Unfortunately.” He stood up to grab two water bottles and move their discussion to the roof.

Neil took several sips of water and tried to ignore how dry his throat still felt. He watched as Andrew lit two cigarettes and handed one to Neil. Neil took one puff, but it didn’t help the dryness, so he kept the cigarette danglingly between his fingers.

“I think this will be the last time that I ask.”

“Giving up so soon?” Andrew mocked.

Neil looked at him. “Giving up or giving in. Whatever you want to call it.”

“Giving in?”

“To you.” Neil winced at how that sounded. “Giving in to the idea that you may never want to play Exy professionally and that it’s okay. I never want to force you into anything you don’t want to do, and I don’t want to manipulate you by offering something you couldn’t refuse.”

Andrew was looking off into the distance, but Neil saw his eyes close for a second before they reopened. “I hate you.”

“Yes, you’ve made that clear.”

“I _really_ hate you.” Andrew said as he turned to Neil.

Neil nodded. “That’s okay.”

They looked at each other for a moment before Andrew lifted his cigarette to take a drag.

“Wymack knows you play.” Neil said.

Andrew’s cigarette hesitated just inches from his lips. Neil wasn’t sure if it was his turn in their honesty game, but he took it anyway. “Truth: why don’t you want to play for the foxes?”

“Because it could turn Exy into something real. Something I could lose.”

Neil’s eyes widened. “It’s the opposite. When I started playing for the foxes, yes, it made Exy something real. But it also made it worth living for, something that I could never shake. Even on my worst days, when I feel like I have no one and nothing, I know that Exy is something I can rely on. I _made_ Exy real _so_ I could never lose it.”

Andrew searched his face. “You really are a junkie, aren’t you?”

Neil ignored that. “I swear if you join the foxes it will change everything for the better. You’ll have a future that you can outline and an incentive to wake up in the mornings. I know you want nothing but if by chance you change your mind, Exy will be there. The foxes will be there.” Neil took a breath. “And I’ll be there too. Andrew, for the very last time, will you play with the foxes?”

Andrew stared for so long that Neil thought he wasn’t going to answer. The roof was getting chilly, and the cold wind whipped Neil’s cheeks. Yet he made no move to leave. He would wait up here all night with Andrew.

Finally, Andrew stood. “Come on then, let’s go tell Kevin.”


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW okay im back with a chapter packed full of parallels and feelings and andrew/neil time!!! i love this story and i love you guys and im so happy to be updating. thank you to everyone still reading <3  
> xx Much Love
> 
> *TW for this chapter: scars, mention of self harm scars, alcohol

Andrew made it all the way off the roof, down the stairs, into his dorm, and in front of the bedroom where Kevin was before he stopped short. Neil was right on his heels and would have bumped into him if not for Andrew turning to the side at the last minute.

Neil looked from Andrew to the door, his eyebrows scrunching together. “You don’t have to.”

“Shut up.” He  _ did _ have to. Andrew couldn’t get that damn apartment out of his head. The apartment after graduation, the one he’d have when Kevin played Court and when Nicky moved to Germany and when Aaron went to med school. The apartment that was too cold and too dark and too quiet. He couldn’t get it out of his head while Neil went on and on about the future. Even if Andrew wanted nothing, he knew he didn’t want that apartment.

Andrew took a breath, entered the room, stood right in front of Kevin where he sat tapping away on his iPad, and spoke simply. “I play Exy.”

Kevin didn’t even look up from the screen. “Yeah, right.” He snorted.

That was enough for Andrew to turn right back around. Neil was there though, and with the lightest of touches, grabbed the end of Andrew’s shirt sleeve. Andrew didn’t mind the touch and looked down to make sure it was real. Neil must have interrupted that look differently and let go.

Instead of leaving, Andrew snatched the iPad from Kevin’s hands. “Andrew, I have to finish this game plan, let it go.” Kevin protested.

Andrew shrugged. “Fine.” He let the iPad clatter to the floor with a thump.

“Fuck you, that’s not what I meant.” Kevin reached for the device, but Neil was quicker.

“He’s serious, Kev.” Neil said as he shoved the iPad under his arm.

“About paying me back for another shattered screen? Wait, I don’t think you ever paid me for the last one.”

“Because it was your fault.” Andrew said.

“How was it my fault? You threw it out the window.”

“After I told you to stop watching Exy in my car. I don’t like repeating myself.”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “Whatever. What is it your serious about?”

“I wouldn’t say I’m serious about it. I’d probably say I care about this as much as you care about your good pal Rik—”

“Exy. He plays Exy.” Neil interrupted.

Kevin looked between the two of them, his face turning hard. “What?”

“Are you deaf?” Andrew asked nicely.

Kevin stood up only to address Neil. “Are you fucking with me right now?”

Neil looked to Andrew, a question in his eyes. Andrew nodded his answer. “No, he plays. I’ve seen it.” Neil said.

“Position?”

“Goalie.”

“Experience?”

“Unsure. Doesn’t matter.”

“Stats?”

“Well—”

“Standing right here.” Andrew said.

Kevin turned on him, and Andrew found the anger in his eyes quite amusing. “You and me. Court. Now.”

Standing in front of the goal while Kevin prepared to take shots was on the list of things Andrew never thought he would do. It was right up there with lending Nicky his Harry Potter collection or calling his foster mom. Both possible, both unimaginable.

Yet here he stood, in full gear borrowed from Aaron and a little from Korin.  _ She wouldn’t need it anymore _ , Andrew thought bitterly.

The car ride to the court was quiet, and Neil had insisted on coming with. Andrew glanced from Kevin to the bleachers where Neil sat. He gave Andrew a thumbs up, and Andrew wished the plexiglass was gone so he could take a shot at Neil’s dumb face. Or maybe he could swing hard enough and the ball could shatter the glass and travel all the way to Neil’s forehead. Kind of impossible, but so was Andrew playing Exy so hey, anything can happen.

Kevin signaled he was ready, and Andrew position himself lazily.

He took a shot, the ball speeding past Andrew and lighting up the goal. Andrew looked over his shoulder, the whole ordeal mocking him. He was more tired than he thought.

“I thought you said you played.”

Andrew tightened the grip on his racquet. He had to switch to Exy mode, but it was so hard to do with someone who he only gave an apathetic attitude.

Another ball whizzed past him, almost scraping his left shoulder. “Is this a joke?” He heard Kevin say.

He didn’t care, he didn’t care, he didn’t—

When Kevin took his third shot, Andrew smashed the ball down the court. Shot after shot, Andrew deflected. Overtime, Kevin made a few goals since the first two, but Andrew played with an equal ferocity that shut down more goals than were made.

When Kevin decided to call it quits, he marched towards Andrew, ripping off his helmet and throwing his racquet to the ground as he approached.

Kevin grabbed a fistful of Andrews—well, Aaron’s jersey—and stuck a finger in his face. “You little shit! You fucking little shit!”

Out of the corner of Andrews eye, he saw Neil running down the bleachers two at a time.

“This whole time, Andrew. You played this whole fucking time!”

“And?” Andrew questioned, unimpressed.

“And you didn’t tell me! How could you not tell me?!” Kevin shouted, loud enough for some spit to land on Andrew’s cheek.

Andrew shoved Kevin back and wiped his face with the back of his hand. “I had my reasons. Exhibit A.” Andrew gestured to Kevin frantic state.

Kevin closed his eyes for a moment, collecting himself just in time for Neil to burst through the court doors. He slowed down on his way to them, not wanting to intrude on something personal but ready to spring into action if need be. Andrew focused on Kevin’s face and noticed the anger slowly draining. “I would have offered you everything.”

“I wouldn’t have wanted it.”

“Of course you would have.” Kevin muttered.

Andrew didn’t answer him.

For a brief period, the two just stood there. Andrew glanced around the court, orange pops of color everywhere he looked. His eyes fell on painted paw prints and rows upon rows of bleachers. He looked at the other goal and the benches where the Vixens sat during games. He looked at the racquet Kevin had thrown in his fit, and the many Exy balls that littered the field from Andrew’s blocks. For a startling second, Andrew thought Kevin might have been right.

“I offer it to you now.”

Andrew held back a flinch.

“Play for the foxes. Be our last line of defense. I know within weeks you can be game ready. I know within months you’ll be ready for Court.”

It was all too much and too fast. Andrew had to remind himself to breathe and keep a straight face.

“Stop fighting it.” Kevin demanded. “I believe in you, just like I believe in that idiot.” He gestured to Neil. “The three of us can win, I can feel it.”

Andrew had no witty comeback, no vicious retort. His mind was blank and old habits were kicking in. Thankfully, Kevin didn’t wait for an answer. He picked up his gear and left the court, Neil following him out. Once the court doors were closed, Andrew sunk to his knees.

 

Mondays were always a pain. They were long and dull and seemed to drag longer than any other day of the week. This Monday, Andrew decided, especially sucked.

His eyes cracked open around five in the morning. Someone had left a window open last night, and the cool morning air chilled the room. Andrew curled into the covers and pulled part of the blanket over his head. The idea of skipping class felt all too good. Hell, the idea of skipping all day felt pretty damn good. Andrew wanted to lay there till the sun went back down again. Until the birds chirped into silence and the crickets came out to sing.

Distantly, Andrew knew he couldn’t ignore reality and would have to face his new life sooner or later. After the court last night, Kevin had gone straight to sleep, and Neil had gone back to his own dorm. Andrew had climbed into bed after many,  _ many _ cigarettes.

Speaking of which, his throat felt raw and it burned a bit when he swallowed. Kevin would probably want him to start laying off the cigarettes now that he was a part of the team. A fox.  Andrew threw the covers off and let the cold shiver him to the bone. He needed to feel something other than dread. 

He didn’t care what the others had to say about him becoming a fox. He just wished he could skip over the part where everyone finds out and get to the part where everyone is fine with it. Nevertheless, Andrew figured out a long time ago that life would never be that kind to him.

 

Andrew padded to the kitchen, careful not to wake anyone, and put the coffee on. He watched the old machine brew excruciatingly slow, counting the seconds between each drop of coffee. When there was enough for a half of cup, Andrew poured it all into his favorite mug.

He opened one of the kitchen windows and took a seat by the table. The combination of the cool breeze and the hot drink in his hands was enough to settle him, so Andrew did nothing but stare and breathe. A few hours went by before Nicky and Aaron came into the room.

“Morning.” Nicky said with a yawn.

Aaron didn’t acknowledge Andrew, just went straight for the coffee, then to the couch. Andrew assumed he was still butt hurt about the whole Neil thing. Which wasn’t so much a ‘thing’ but rather Aaron was just being dramatic about something he didn’t understand.

Kevin walked in shortly after and made a beeline to Andrew. “Okay, I have a plan.”

“Jesus. Can’t a man enjoy his morning coffee?” Andrew said, his coffee splashing a bit as he put his cup down too harshly.

“We don’t have time for that.” Kevin said, his eyes brighter than Andrew had seen in a while.

“It’s eight in the morning.”

“Plan for what?” Nicky asked.

“Andrew’s joining the team.” Kevin either didn’t see Nicky’s look of astonishment or didn’t want to acknowledge it. “So, I’ve already told Wymack and he’s surprisingly on board. I’ll tell the rest of the team later and then we have to get you in for Abby’s physical. Then you can sign the contract and—”

“Kevin?” Nicky whispered.

“I’m not doing a physical.” Andrew stated.

“It’s a formality. You have to.”

“No.” Andrew crossed his arms.

“Kevin?” Nicky asked again.

“Damn it, Andrew. It’s required. Abby has to check for—”

“I’m not doing it.”

“Yes you are.”

“Guys!” Nicky yelled.

Andrew and Kevin both looked at him. “What?” They said in unison.

“What’s going on?” Nicky looked exasperated. “Since when is Andrew joining the team?”

“Since yesterday.” Kevin got up then. “I’m going to call Abby now so we can get the ball rolling. Wymack’s already drawing up a contract so be ready to sign later.”

Kevin left the room before Andrew could stop him. Not that he would have, truth be told.

“Andrew?” Nicky turned to him with wide eyes. Andrew noticed Aaron was listening in, and that made him want to jump out the kitchen window.

“You needed a goalie.” He shrugged.

 

 

“So, it says here that you finished your last cycle of medications about four months ago. Is that correct?” Abby asked, clipboard in one hand and a pen in the other.

The majority of the exam had been easy, just like Kevin said it would be. Andrew had wanted to strangle him after he heard the physical and mental assessment was a requirement for every fox. He hated doctors and therapists and anyone with authority over his own well-being.

Yet the exam wasn’t as nightmarish as he imagined. Abby had taken his weight, height, and other general testing that Andrew only slightly hated. She was kind and made the effort not to touch him, which Andrew appreciated.

Then came the question portion, and Andrew was whipping through each question, not really caring what answers he gave.

He nodded to Abby. He hadn’t spoken the entire process but figured Abby wasn’t the type to mind.

“Any complications? I know it’s been a while since then. I just want to make sure.”

Andrew shook his head no.

“Alright. Last but not least, could you please remove your armbands and shirt.” Abby said as she made notes on her clipboard.

Andrew blanched and made no move to remove them. His armbands were his armor. They protected him from judgement and pity. Showing what laid beneath to a total stranger would be like stripping him naked. He couldn’t do that. Not for her, not for the foxes.

Not for his future. He would give it all up here and now, if this was the price.

“Andrew?” Abby looked up. “Did you hear me?”

He couldn’t face her, just stared at a rather big chip in the wall paint.  _ They should really redo this office _ , he thought. The room was big enough to hold three pieces of furniture; the examination table, a small desk, and Abby’s chair. It was more narrow than wide, and Andrew could touch both sides of the wall if he stretched far enough.

Andrew heard a rattling sound, so then he had to look, to make sure he knew where she was if things got ugly. Abby had only been putting away her clipboard and was taking a seat on her rolling chair. She sighed softly, a tiredness to her eyes that came from years of experience. “I’m sorry, Andrew. I have to check for track marks and other possible dangers. Remember, we have a confidentiality agreement between doctor and patient. Whatever I see under those armbands and that shirt are between us, unless I count them as a threat to your life.”

“No.” He said, and this time he hoped they would listen.

“I acknowledge that.” Abby said. It looked like she meant it. “However, I’m afraid I can’t complete your exam unless—”

“I’ll pee in a fucking cup.”

“Andrew, I—”

Andrew hopped off the table, undid his armbands and took off his shirt before slamming them both down. “Have your look then.”

Abby looked, and reacted, and Andrew hated every second of it.

 

Back at the dorm, Andrew paced. He fucking hated Mondays. He should have stayed in his bed where nothing could hurt him. He needed a cigarette. He needed a drink.

Andrew looked under Kevin’s bed and swiped a bottle. He unscrewed the top and took a swig, the sharp taste immediately burning his already raw throat.

Maybe the lot would go to Columbia soon and maybe Neil could come with. Andrew took another swig for  _ that _ unpleasant thought.

Andrew was drunk by the time everyone got back to the dorm. Aaron spared him a glance before he shut himself in his room, and Nicky and Kevin joined Andrew to drink with matching grins.

It was only a matter of time before Kevin was drunker than Nicky and Andrew combined, and he passed out in the bathroom with his head over the toilet. Just before he did, Kevin managed to convince Andrew to sign the contract. He was officially a Palmetto Fox. If Andrew thought about it too long, he was going to join Kevin in the bathroom.

 

Fortunately, Nicky told Andrew he would handle Kevin and to go to bed, so Andrew snuck out to the roof, throwing a coat over his hoodie as an afterthought.

He found himself thinking about texting Neil and then  _ actually _ texting Neil. It was the alcohol’s fault. Even though it had been a couple hours since Andrew’s last drink.

**Andrew: I met w/ Abby today.**

**Neil: How did it go?**

**Andrew: Great.**

**Neil: Your jokes just keep getting better & better.**

Andrew rolled his eyes. Another text came in before he had a chance to respond with an equally sarcastic comment.

**Neil: Seriously..how did it go?**

**Andrew: Well, I’m on the roof so how do u think it went?**

 

No reply came after that, so Andrew slipped his phone back into his coat pocket and looked out into the horizon. For a while, this roof was a means to feel something. Andrew would look over the edge and his stomach would drop at how high up he was. He hated heights and was terrified that a gust of wind would be enough to send him tumbling to the sidewalk. 

Andrew had several dreams about this roof, ones where he was walking along the ledge and his stride became awkward and he’d slip. No one liked being afraid, but most of the time it was the only thing Andrew was able to feel.

Nowadays, he liked it up there. It was quiet and he could smoke and no one ever knew where he was. Often times there were muffled sounds coming from the streets below, and he liked to watch the lights from nearby buildings go on and off. Mostly though, he liked looking at the stars. He would lay himself down on the cold concrete and get to feel something that was hard to describe. Wonder, maybe.

It was always just Andrew and the sky.

And Neil.

Andrew’s not sure when he allowed Neil into his place, nor did he know if it meant something that he did. He didn’t know a lot of things when it came to Neil Josten, apparently. 

 

Andrew heard the roof door swing open, and he had to hide his smirk with his hand.  _ Speak of the devil _ , he thought.

“Hey.” Neil called as he made his way over.

Andrew looked at him. He was dressed in blue basketball shorts and a black t shirt. His hair was pulled back with a bandana and he was wearing the same shoes when Andrew had joined him for a run.

“Were you running?”

“Yeah, but then I got your text.” Neil sat next to him and began to stretch his legs out.

“That wasn’t an invitation.”

“I know. Thought I’d invite myself anyway.”

Andrew returned his attention to the horizon. The sun was just starting to set, and it painted the sky in hues of orange and pink.

“Did you want to talk about it?” Neil asked softly.

“About what?”

“Abby.”

He didn’t want to talk about anything. “No.”

“Alright.” Andrew noticed Neil looking at him out of the corner of his eye. After a minute, he gave in. “Maybe.”

“I can go first? If that’s easier?” 

He nodded just once, so Neil began to talk about his own past experiences. He said it wasn’t as bad as he thought, that Abby didn’t comment about the scars on his cheeks. Neil also said he liked that she wasn’t overly touchy or talkative, which Andrew agreed with.

Then he got to the part where he was told to remove his t-shirt. Neil faltered a bit, but Andrew got the jist of what he was trying to say. Seemed as if his cheeks weren’t the only part of his body that was scarred.

“Did you show her?”

Andrew was looking at him now, only because Neil was staring at his own hands as they twisted together in his lap. “Yes. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t want to give up my dream either. I guess it just came down to what was more important.”

Neil didn’t directly ask for Andrew’s story, yet he gave it to him anyway. Not every detail, like what laid beneath his armbands, but just that he didn’t want to take them off. 

“You did anyway, right?” Neil looked up, their eyes locking.

“I had to.”

“Maybe it seemed that way. But you could have easily said no and walked away from Exy. You made a choice.”

Andrew knew the point he was trying to make. “Thin ice, junkie.”

“Who’s the junkie now?”

Andrew wanted to kill him or kiss him, the thought of acting on the latter of the two punched a hole right through his chest. He hadn’t allowed himself to think it before. Now that he had, it buzzed in his head and ears. Andrew tightened both hands into fists, crushing the hot sparks of wanting to reach out and _ touch _ . 

They stayed on the roof long enough for the sun to finally set, the hues of color draining into gray and black. Andrew could feel it getting colder too, the night air sending a chill down his spine. He could only imagine how cold Neil must be in his t-shirt.

When Andrew looked over in Neil’s direction, he could only see shadows. There was one motion sensor light by the door, but neither of them had moved in a while. “Do you regret showing her? Abby, I mean.”

Neil’s voice was a surprise in the dark, but Andrew recovered smoothly. “I don’t have regrets.”

“I do. Tons of them.”

“Like?”

“Like not grabbing a coat before I came here.”

Andrew let the corner of his mouth perk up, the darkness hiding the evidence. He unzipped his jacket and shimmied out of the sleeves before handing it to Neil. Neil took it blindly, accidentally brushing his hand along one of Andrews arms.

“You wear them all the time?”

Neil must have felt Andrew’s armbands beneath his hoodie. “Do you wear a shirt all the time?”

It was a rhetorical question, so Neil didn’t answer it. The silence stretched between them, the only noises coming from the occasional car going by or an owl hooting. Andrew knew staying up here any longer would be a mistake, yet he couldn’t pull away from it. In the dark, all bets were off and Andrew suddenly needed Neil to  _ understand _ , needed to feel known, if only for a moment.  “I have regrets. I just don’t dwell on them.”

“No time?” Neil asked.

“Too much time.”

Andrew heard Neil turn to face him. “Do you regret trusting me?”

“I don’t trust you.”

“That’s fair. How can I change that?”

Andrew didn’t think anything Neil did would change his mind about that, trusting people only resulted in broken promises and a broken Andrew.

When Andrew didn’t answer, Neil came up with his own plan. “I’m going to grab your hand. Yes or no?”

Andrew was curious enough to say yes. Neil extended his hand and carefully grabbed a hold of Andrew’s. He guided his hand to underneath his shirt, and pressed his palm to the scars that stretched across his stomach. Andrew sucked in a breath. There were so many scars, some felt jagged and some felt clean. Neil tensed up, so Andrew waited till he relaxed a bit before moving his hand. One scar on his side felt particularly long, and Andrew traced it with the pad of his thumb. As Andrew explored, Neil held perfectly still.

“I don’t think this will make you trust me.” Neil said through clenched teeth. “But I wanted you to know how much I trust you.”

_ Don’t _ , he wanted to say. He was feeling too many things at once. Anger, pain,  _ understanding _ . His armbands itched his skin, but Andrew kept them firmly in place. Maybe one day he could return the favor and press Neil’s palm to his wrist. The idea jolted Andrew backwards, and the motion sensor light flickered on. 

Being able to see each other changed things, shifted the intensity of the moment into something less sincere. Andrew didn’t have time to think about how good Neil looked in his jacket before Neil was standing. “Congratulations on making the team. I’ll see you at practice tomorrow?”

  
  


Just before Andrew got ready for bed, Nicky caught him in the doorway. Andrew wouldn’t have stopped if not for the look on Nicky’s face. “I just wanted to say that I’m glad you’re joining the foxes. I’m thrilled, actually.”

“Why?”

Nicky grinned. “Cause it gives me more time with you everyday, duh.”

 

As Andrew climbed into bed that night, he thought that maybe Mondays weren’t the worst thing in the world.


End file.
